1. I am going to eat whatever and how much I feel like. If it makes me fat(ter) that’s my problem not yours.
2. I am going to start drinking a lot more. I am a happy drunk and when I’m happy everyone is happy, I guess you could say that I’m doing the world a favor.
3. I’m going to smoke like a chimney. I’m going to huff and puff until I blow my lungs away. Besides, everyone knows smokers are the nicest people and don’t judge; plus they’re always willing to freeze their nuts off and keep you company, if you ask…who else would do that?
4. I refuse to exercise. I don’t like it and you can’t make me do it. I don’t need to stay in shape to sit on my ass all day, so get off my back about it.
5. I plan on consuming as much coffee as possible by noon. Getting hyped up on coffee is the only thing the morning has to offer. After noon, see number 2.
6. I will watch obscene amounts of T.V., no more leaving it off all day. I’m going to watch a show when its on, screw DVR (unless I need to pee, eat, smoke or refill my drink).
7. I will read as many trashy romance novels (read: girl porn) as I can. I will do this while watching TV because I am a girl and I can do more than one thing at a time.
8. I will stay up as late as my eyes will let me and if I fall asleep on the couch I will stay there, so leave me alone.
9. I will sleep in as long as I possibly can. If I sleep past noon, I will add liquor to my coffee (see #2 and and #5).
10. I will make more friends in low places. Evidently they are the only ones who visit, call, buy beer and come help you fix your motorcycle, or help you when you are in need. Any friends I might have in high places have jobs and don’t have time for me.
11. Budget? What budget? I will spend until there’s nothing left to spend. I accept debt as a part of life, besides when I’m dead, debt won’t bother me.
12. I will only wear comfortable clothes and shoes. I will stop wearing make-up and doing my hair. I will not cow-tow to some fashionista/cultural trend…if you don’t like the new comfortable natural me, don’t look.
13. If I am not wasting my day on trashy novels and bad TV, I will spend all my time on the internet for pure enjoyment. I will watch YouTube, read I can has cheezburger, and People of Walmart until I laugh my ass off and can’t laugh anymore.
Obviously this was all done in good humor. Although some of this has certainly crossed my mind, the reality is I would never go to those extremes. Seriously my only resolution this year is to be happy and enjoy my life to the fullest.
Instead of a list of resolutions I created an expectations ‘wordle’ for 2012.